I Hate You, Research in Motion!

by Michael Camilleri

Work recently provided me with a Blackberry Bold, and while some things about it are really cool, some things remind you how shitty phones are.

People complain about the fascist-like App Store Apple runs for the iPhone but sometimes the level of frustration you experience with other phones makes you beg to be put into eternal bondage to Cupertino.

Here’s the conversation I would have had with my Blackberry if it were a person.

Me: Hi.

BB: Hi.

Me: I’d like to be able to type in Japanese on my Blackberry Bold. Can I type in other languages?

BB: Sure.

Me: OK, cool. How do I do that?

BB: You can change your input language while typing messages by pressing ALT-ENTER.

Me: OK. I’d like to change to Japanese.

BB: You can change to –

  • English (United Kingdom)
  • English (United States)
  • Chinese (Simplified)
  • Chinese (Traditional)
  • Korean
  • Thai

Me: I want to change to Japanese.

BB: You can’t.

Me: Why not?

BB: Because you don’t have the Japanese input pack installed.

Me: Oh, OK. How do I install it?

BB: You need to download it.

Me: Can I download it to the phone?

BB: No.

Me: Can I download it to my computer?

BB: No.

Me: Is there a Japanese input pack?

BB: Yes.

Me: Can I get that input pack?

BB: No.

Me: But it exists?

BB: Yes.

Me: Why can’t I get it?

BB: Because your carrier doesn’t support it.

Me: But you make it?

BB: Yes.

Me: Can’t I just get it from you?

BB: No, your carrier doesn’t support it.

Me: OK. Where do I download updates to my system software? From the carrier?

BB: No. From me.

Me: So you have the Japanese input pack?

BB: Yes.

Me: But you just said I can’t get it from you.

BB: No, I said your carrier doesn’t support it.

Me: So I can get it from you?

BB: No.

Me: Do you sell the Blackberry Bold in Japan?

BB: Yes.

Me: Does it come with the Japanese input pack installed?

BB: Of course.

Me: Could I download the Japanese system software?

BB: No, you’re in Australia.

Me: But I can type in Chinese?

BB: Yes, there are a lot of Chinese people in Australia.

Me: How will you know if I download the Japanese system software?

BB: There’s a file.

Me: What if I delete that file?

BB: Well… you could do that. But that’s not supported. Who knows what could happen?

Me: Don’t you know?

BB: Maybe.

Me: Will you tell me?

BB: Mmmm… no.

Me: But you make the software!

BB: For Japan.

Me: What difference does it make whether I’m in Japan or Australia?

BB: All the difference.

Me: Look, what I want to be able to do is to type in Japanese on my Blackberry.

BB: *slowly* I understand.

Me: I am not a crazy person!

BB: Of course.

Me: JUST LET ME TYPE IN BLOODY JAPANESE!

BB: Have you tried Chinese? Chinese is like Japanese.

Me: CHINESE IS NOT LIKE JAPANESE!

BB: Thai? All those funny squiggles. Who knows what the fuck that means.

Me: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

BB: Korean?